Note: This piece is a very casual piece. It’s not informative. I don’t know why I’m writing it. I think I’m just ventilating.
Some clients know this about me – I have a history of depression. It is not in the past, as the word “history” might suggest. It is a daily struggle for me. At a point in time, I thought it was a thing of the past. This was when I was actively cutting down on my medication*. As I sit here on a Wednesday afternoon being sad and unproductive instead of clearing my backlog of documentation and admin duties, it is so clear that depression is not in the past for me.
It is difficult to be a counsellor with depression sometimes. When it’s time to sit in the counsellor’s little armchair, (I think) I can still do a reasonably decent job of it**. In fact, sometimes I even think I’m doing a good job. I can tap into something that helps me be present, helps me listen, and helps me conceptualise what I am hearing. Is it my Self or is it my counsellor part***? To be honest, I’m not sure. Outside of the counselling room, however, I am a mess.
It is a strange thing to be a counsellor with depression. Many times, clients tell me about the issues they face with mood and motivation, and I just want to say “same lol****” but that’s not professional.
Where am I going with this post? I don’t know. I guess I’ll end it here.
*I was doing this under the supervision of my psychiatrist – I was not cutting down on my own. Except for the time I messed up instructions really badly and cut down faster than intended, and oh boy did I suffer. It is always best to make any changes regarding medication under the guidance of a medical professional.
**If any of my clients are reading this and you disagree, please let me know. You have my work email.
***Talking about parts in reference to Internal Family Systems (IFS) here. We’re all made up of many different parts. I wrote a little about it here, I intend to write more about it soon. I’ve been saying that for months. So. Maybe within the next year.
****I don’t actually say “lol” in real life, which makes it additionally strange that the thought “same lol” pops into my mind.
I’m sorry there are so many footnotes in this post.